


There Ain’t A Language For The Things I Feel

by Exorin



Series: I Will Cradle All These Memories [2]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Buzzfeed: Worth It (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment
Genre: Blow Jobs, First Time, Frottage, Kissing, M/M, No penetration, Post-Quarantine, Soft Boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:34:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23643172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Exorin/pseuds/Exorin
Summary: When Shane pulls back, slowly, carefully, and looks down at Steven he can see the still-damp tracks of tears along Steven’s cheeks and brushes his thumb over them. “I missed you,” he murmurs and ducks down to kiss the path his thumb just walked, touching his lips to either side of Steven’s nose.“You saw me every day,” Steven says, making an attempt at humour but his voice cracks down the middle, his breath hitching in the back of his throat and he turns his face, letting his mouth slide over Shane’s when he breathes out. “I missed you too,”Quarantine. A reunion. A few new firsts.
Relationships: Steven Lim/Shane Madej
Series: I Will Cradle All These Memories [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1702111
Comments: 12
Kudos: 47





	There Ain’t A Language For The Things I Feel

**Author's Note:**

> This vague but spiritual successor wouldn't have been possible without my incredible co-writer on [Hold You By The Edges](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23546608) : [Jess](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sequence_fairy/pseuds/sequence_fairy) & the most amazing beta reader ever : [Yesi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveontherocks/pseuds/loveontherocks)

The world goes to shit shortly after their brunch date, and yes, looking back on it now, it was absolutely a date right from the beginning. 

Probably the best date Shane had ever been on if he’s honest. 

Shane handles the sudden change better than his two co-creators. He’s always liked his space and being alone; happy to have the time to read and plan and catch up on housework that has been falling behind over the course of their busy last year.

He spends his days seeing Steven and Ryan through the lens of his laptop or cellphone, and trying not to focus in on the way the line of Steven’s shoulders get more and more tense with every week that passes. 

Some days, the two of them will stay on the conference call until after everyone else has hung up and Shane’s voice will go soft when he asks, “How are you holding up Steven?”

Steven will let out a shaky breath, sighing long and low, trying to hold Shane’s eyes over the video. “I didn’t know I’d miss you so much.” 

And Shane’s heart will seize up in his chest, filled with an aching kind of sympathy and loneliness that he’s not sure what to do with. 

He leaves Steven messages for the morning just to make sure that his voice is the first thing Steven hears when he wakes up; a quick and soft little ‘good morning’ or ‘I hope you slept well’ and smiles down at his phone when Steven replies with a single heart in a text message. 

When Steven chooses the question about dating and how to adjust during this strange new time for the first episode of their brand new podcast, Shane forgets how to breathe. He listens to Steven, talking softly about turning it into a long distance relationship and struggles to remember if he’s ever successfully navigated something like this before. 

After that he pushes all of his energy into making jokes with Ryan, because it’s easy and familiar and grounding.

Later that night when Steven calls him, he says, worriedly, “I’ve never done this.” 

“You’re doing it right now.” Steven answers softly, his voice gone low and breathless and it’s the first time Shane has truly felt the ache of wanting to be able to hold someone without being able to; he feels it all the way down to his bones.

===

It’s another Sunday when the all-clear comes through and Shane feels like just maybe everything important happens to him on Sundays.

They get the push notification while on a hangouts call, and Shane stares down at his phone for a long while before glancing up to catch Steven’s eyes, as best as he can through the camera lens. 

“Steven,” he says, trying to ignore the way his voice hitches and breaks open on the shape of Steven’s name. 

Steven doesn’t speak, just looks between his phone and the screen.

Shane can hear the soft, trembling breath that Steven lets out and watches him closely when he closes his eyes, letting them flutter shut on a long inhale. 

When Steven looks at him again there’s wetness in the corners of his eyes and he’s worrying his lower lip between his teeth. 

He holds Shane’s gaze as best he can and says, “Come over?” 

===

The streets are still strangely empty but there’s the trickle of life returning; people hesitantly stepping out for the first time to re-engage with neighbours and close friends, and by the time his Uber, with it’s excessively chatty driver, is pulling into the parking lot of Steven’s building there’s the low, distant sounds of laughing and chatter happening all around him. 

Shane’s hands shake when he hits the buzzer of Steven’s apartment. 

“Here,” he says, when the static of the buzzer goes quiet on a pick-up; he swallows the shake in his voice to try again, “I’m here.” 

He takes a deep breath on the elevator ride up, trying to even out his breathing and calm his heart down from the way it’s thumping aggressively up against his ribcage. When he realizes that his hands are clenched up into fists he stretches out his long fingers at his side, shaking his head at the way they’re still trembling. 

Steven’s already standing in his hallway when Shane steps out of the elevator; he’s barefoot, wearing comfortable grey sweatpants that are rolled at the bottom and fidgeting with the hem of a soft, well worn shirt. He looks just about as nervous as Shane feels, and Shane is hit with a wave of nostalgia so hard that takes him back to that time ago when Steven stood in his kitchen, wearing Shane’s shirt. 

“Hey,” Shane starts, waiting until he’s standing directly in front of Steven before speaking, “how are you?” he asks, and let’s his eyes trace down and along the entirety of Steven’s body in a slow once over. 

“ _Shane,_ ” Steven sighs, and Shane watches him start to reach forward before stopping himself and dropping his hands back down to his sides; Shane notes that his hands are shaking as well.

“I should probably--” Shane starts, looking down to his hands and rubbing them against each other in a slow slide that is an obvious mix of a nervous gesture while also being reminiscent of washing his hands. He steps back just enough to give Steven the space he needs to push his door back open and let Shane inside. 

Shane feels Steven at his back and doesn’t need to look over his shoulder to know that Steven is following close behind, tracking him to the kitchen sink.

They don’t speak until Shane is wiping his hands dry on the tea towel hanging beside the sink. 

“Hey,” Shane tries again. He lifts his hand between them and hesitantly places his fingertips along Steven’s jawline, letting his thumb swipe across Steven’s lower lip. 

Steven leans into the touch, turning his face against Shane’s palm and nuzzling up against his hand; his lips touch a soft, open mouthed kiss against the curve just above Shane’s wrist and Shane let’s out a soft and shuddering sigh.

He reaches forward with his other hand and slips his arm around Steven’s waist, dragging their bodies closer and into a desperately crushing hug. Shane bends down, curling around Steven to bury his face against the soft, warm line of Steven’s shoulder; he breathes in deep and trembles when he feels Steven doing the same. 

“You smell so good.” he says, mouthing the words over Steven’s throat and smiling when he hears Steven’s soft reply of, “You too,” as it’s mumbled against his shoulder.

Steven’s hands shift to wrap around Shane’s waist, and Shane can feel the way Steven fists his hands into his shirt, pulling him impossibly closer, holding on so tightly. 

When Shane pulls back, slowly, carefully, and looks down at Steven he can see the still-damp tracks of tears along Steven’s cheeks and brushes his thumb over them. “I missed you,” he murmurs and ducks down to kiss the path his thumb just walked, touching his lips to either side of Steven’s nose. 

“You saw me every day,” Steven says, making an attempt at humour but his voice cracks down the middle, his breath hitching in the back of his throat and he turns his face, letting his mouth slide over Shane’s when he breathes out. “I missed you too,” 

Shane shudders into the chaste kiss, tilting his head to catch Steven’s lips fully, wasting no time before swiping his tongue into the soft heat; Steven clutches him tighter and moans against Shane’s mouth. He pushes up against Shane, wedging him back against the door of the fridge and kissing him deep and thorough. 

Steven pulls away first, stepping back; he’s breathing hard and looking up at Shane like he’s not sure what just came over him. There’s a soft blush over the bridge of his nose and along his cheeks and all Shane wants is to have him back in his arms.

“Steven,” Shane says, and reaches his hand out to touch Steven’s hip. His fingers slip underneath the edge of Steven’s shirt and trail cautiously along his skin. “Come back here and kiss me again,” he whispers, his palm sliding until it’s fully under Steven’s shirt and pressed up against the soft curve and dip at the center of Steven’s back. 

Steven stumbles forward in a daze and pushes up onto his toes, he leans his weight against Shane and stretches himself up to fit his lips against Shane’s in a slow, much more leisurely kiss. Shane parts his lips on a soft groan and Steven drags his tongue along the opening, pulling back the tiniest amount to catch Shane’s lower lip between his teeth and tug gently. 

Shane feels his knees go weak at the soft bite, and he finds himself reaching out with his free hand to grip the edge of the countertop. Steven is so hot against him, radiating heat, his body pressed flush from thigh to chest and Shane is sure that Steven will be able to feel the way his heart slams against his ribcage. 

Steven’s got one hand on Shane’s cheek, his fingers curled over Shane’s jaw and stroking along his neck and just under Shane’s ear; his other lands just above Shane’s waistline and Shane’s whole body jolts when Steven’s fingertips copy his own and slide beneath his shirt. 

“I want to touch you this time,” Steven whispers against Shane’s lips when they part for breath; his hand has made it fully below Shane’s shirt and his fingers draw soft lines along the muscles of Shane’s back, dipping down against the curve of Shane’s spine and following it’s path up and down in gentle strokes.

Shane makes a quiet, weak sounding noise at the back of his throat, nodding his head and squeezing Steven’s hip with one hand. “ _Yeah,_ ” he says, just a sigh of a word and then swallows down his sudden and bubbling excitement. He tilts his head down to catch Steven’s eyes. “I’m okay with whatever you want.”

Steven kisses him, and Shane hums into the shape of Steven’s mouth fitting over his; he groans when Steven softly bites at his lower lip, kissing along his jaw before dropping his head down to lick a wet stripe against Shane’s throat. 

Shane tilts his head back against the fridge door, stretching his neck out and pushing against Steven’s tongue and teeth when they drag along his throat; Steven’s hands find the hem of his shirt and before he realizes what’s happening, he’s got fabric bunched up high on his chest. “ _Steven,_ ” he groans, letting his own hands fall back to Steven’s hips to pull their hips flush together. 

He can feel the heat and hardness of Steven’s cock pressed up against his thigh, and he whispers Steven’s name to the ceiling when Steven nips at his throat and rolls his hips forward in a slow slide.

“I haven’t done this before,” Steven says, dipping his head down to kiss the center of Shane’s chest, his tongue traces a wet line over to Shane’s nipple, and he glances up to catch Shane’s eyes before he drags his teeth gently over the hardened nub. Shane’s back arches off the fridge door and he hisses between clenched teeth, cursing under his breath. 

“Is this okay?” Steven asks, repeating the motion a little more firmly before shifting to the other side and starting all over again.

Shane moans when he opens his mouth to speak, then swallows and tries again. “You’re doing so well, Steven,” he starts, breaking off into another gasp when Steven bites down before soothing over his nipple with the broad strokes of his tongue. “Fuck, you’re so good.” 

He can feel the way Steven smiles around his nipple and it sends shocks rocketing down his spine to curl hotly in his belly, but that’s nothing, absolutely _nothing_ , on the way his entire body seizes up and his breath gets caught somewhere at the back of his throat when Steven sinks onto his knees in the middle of the kitchen. 

“Hey,” Shane chokes out, wincing at the break in his voice and the way his hand shakes when he reaches down to thread his fingers into Steven’s soft, blue-tinged hair. Steven looks up from under his lashes with his hands hovering just above Shane’s waistband. “Steven, you don’t--”

“I want to,” Steven says, his fingers tugging at Shane’s belt to pull it free from the clasp. His cheeks are flushed with a dark blush, his lower lip between his teeth when he glances back up from Shane’s waist. “As long as… you want to?” 

“Yeah,” Shane breathes, his fingers curling into Steven’s hair as his other hand falls from the counter top to gently caress the warmth of Steven’s cheek. “Yes, I definitely want to.” 

Shane groans when Steven turns his head to kiss each of Shane’s knuckles before he’s pulling the leather belt free, moving to work the button of Shane’s jeans open. Steven looks up at him when he thumbs the zipper down and takes a long, shaky breath before curling his fingers underneath Shane's waistband and boxers, tugging at them.

Shane moves his hand from Steven’s cheek to one of his wrists and stops him from going further. “Actually, c’mere,” he says, helping to pull Steven up to his feet, leaning down to kiss the corner of his mouth where he’s frowning. “Can we go to your room?” he asks, and Steven’s lips twitch up into a soft smile. 

Steven leads him from the kitchen and down the hallway towards his bedroom by his hand; Shane’s heart ticks up a notch with every step closer until he can feel his pulse in his fingertips. He wonders if Steven can feel it, too.

When they step into Steven’s room, Steven rubs the back of his neck in a nervous gesture, looking around the space at the small, but still neat, piles of clothes on the floor. 

“I don’t know why I didn’t clean up,” Steven says, and Shane feels a swell of warmth in his chest. 

“Because you didn’t need to, Steven. This isn’t bad at all,” he starts, tugging at Steven’s hand to bring them back together again; his lips brush over Steven’s mouth when he says, “You should see mine.” 

Shane feels Steven smile into the kiss.

Shane walks them further into the room as they kiss, swiping his tongue into the heat of Steven’s mouth as they go. He slides his hands underneath Steven’s shirt to stroke along his back. 

When they get to the bed, he eases Steven towards the bed until he’s sitting. Shane looks down at him from where he stands between Steven’s knees.

“You still want to...” Shane asks with one eyebrow arched; his hands come to rest on the waistband of his pants and he presses them down low enough that it gives Steven a good view of his bare hips and the dark curl of hair that trails down below the opening of his pants. 

He watches Steven swallow, catching the movement of Steven’s throat, and reaches forward with his index finger to trace along Steven’s lower lip. He moans softly when Steven glances up with wide, black blown eyes and catches the tip of his finger with a quick graze of his tongue. 

Steven leans forward just enough to close his lips around Shane’s finger and take it deeper into his mouth, letting his tongue slide hotly around the digit and hollowing out his cheeks; Shane watches, entranced by the softness of the motion and the way Steven mouths at the tip of his finger, his tongue dipping out to lick at the pad of it. 

“ _Yes,_ ” Steven says, sighing with his lips still parted around the press of Shane’s finger in his mouth. He sucks on the tip again before letting it go with a low, wet _pop._ “Yes, I still want to.” 

Shane shudders out his next breath, curling his thumb down under both the waistband of his pants and the fabric of his boxers and pushing them down over his hips and to his knees. 

Steven drops his eyes from Shane’s, following the bare line of Shane’s chest and down further until he’s swallowing hard and staring at Shane’s cock with widened eyes. 

“What do I do?” he asks, his voice soft.

Shane groans, low and fond. His cock twitches where it’s hanging, heavy and hard between his legs. “Start with your hands,” he says. He has to squeeze his eyes shut at the first hesitant circle of Steven’s fingers curling around the thick base. “Just like you would on yourself,” Shane explains, breathing in through his nose and letting his breath fall, shaky, from his parted lips. “Except at a weird angle.”

He feels as well as hears the soft, warm huff of Steven’s laughter and it almost knocks him off of his feet. 

Steven’s hand wraps around him and he strokes in a long, firm slide from root to tip and then again; the tentative passes getting more and more focused and comfortable, and Shane has to catch himself on Steven’s shoulders when Steven drags the side of his thumb across the head of his cock where he’s leaking pre-come from the tip. 

When he opens his eyes and looks down, he finds Steven leaning in, his mouth parted open and the soft puffs of his breath that slide over his sensitive cockhead make Shane’s cock jerk and throb against the palm of Steven’s hand. “Fuck, _Steven,_ ” he says, moaning helplessly when Steven’s tongue dips out to slide a thick line of wet heat over his tip. 

Steven makes a face that Shane has seen a hundred times before; it’s the one he gets when he tries something new, something he’s never had before - and is trying to memorize the taste of it. 

“ _Steven,_ ” Shane says again, a breathless little groan that takes the shape of Steven’s name and his knees buckle underneath him when Steven spreads his lips open a little wider and takes the full head of Shane’s cock into the wet, warm heat of his mouth.

Shane curses and lifts a hand from Steven’s shoulder, bringing it to wrap around the base of his cock and squeeze tightly. He closes his eyes again, tilting his head back and holding his breath; he counts down from twenty in his head. “I know you’ve barely--” Shane starts, swearing again when Steven’s tongue circles around the head and laps up the gathered beads of pre-come at the tip. He re-starts the count. “Steven, I’m not going to last.” 

Steven moans, his warm mouth vibrating around Shane’s cock and Shane has to squeeze harder around himself; he can feel the hand on Steven’s shoulder shaking and he brings it up to tangle in Steven’s short hair, tugging him back. 

Shane breathes hard, stroking his hand along the crown of Steven’s head, and talking his body down from the edge. “I’m really not going to last,” he repeats, and looks down to catch Steven’s eyes. 

“I really don’t mind,” Steven says, and Shane notes the way the words come out trembling and raw. Shane’s hand stays in his hair for a moment until Steven lets his hands fall away from Shane’s body, shifting back a little. 

Steven leans back on the bed, watching Shane, propping himself back against his elbows. Shane looks down the length of him, slowly taking in just how soft and wrecked Steven looks; his sweats are riding low enough on his hips that Shane can see a thick line of skin between Steven’s pants and his shirt where it’s ridden up against his stomach, then the shape of Steven’s cock pressed up against his sweatpants. 

Shane’s mouth goes dry, and he kicks his pants the rest of the way off and strips off his t-shirt before he kneels on the bed with his knees on either side of Steven’s legs. He drags his hands up along Steven’s thighs, his thumbs dipping in between and just barely coming in contact with Steven’s cock; when he reaches the waistband he looks up to meet Steven’s gaze. “Can I take these off?” 

Steven nods, saying _yes_ under his breath, and Shane smiles. He tucks his fingers below the band and starts slowly tugging them down; Steven lifts his hips to help, sighing when his hard cock is free to curve up against his belly. 

While Shane pulls Steven’s sweats the rest of the way down his legs and off of his feet, Steven reaches down to grasp at the edge of his shirt and lift it one handed over his head and off onto the floor. 

“You’re so gorgeous,” Shane says, crawling up along his body and kissing each and every space he can think of on his way back. 

Steven’s blush has spread from his nose and cheeks, fanning out along his neck and shoulder and chest. It steals Shane’s breath away. 

“Is this okay?” Shane asks, settling down over Steven’s body to press them together. 

Steven moans below him, lifting his hip up in a slow roll that drags their cocks along each other in a tentative but dirty grind. “Yeah,” he _breathes,_ landing his hands on Shane’s hips to hold him in place while he presses up over and over again. “You feel good.”

“You too,” Shane whispers, dropping his head down to slide their mouths together again; Steven tilts his face to the side, deepening the kiss with a swipe of his tongue between Shane’s lips. He rolls his hips forward, his breath hitching in his throat and stuttering out against Shane’s still-parted lips. 

Shane cradles Steven’s face between his hands, leaning back just far enough that he can hold himself up with his thighs squeezed tightly around Steven’s hips. He brushes another kiss along Steven’s lips. “Put your hand around us,” he says, dragging his cock back and forth in slow thrusts along the hot length of Steven’s where Steven is rutting up against him. 

He watches Steven’s face when he feels the first hesitant curl of Steven’s fingers fitting around his cock; his hips stutter forward driving them together and Steven arches and moans beneath him, thrusting up so hard against Shane that Shane can feel the sticky, wet heat of Steven’s pre-come slicking up against his belly. 

“I--I can’t.” Steven groans, closing his eyes and biting down against his lower lip. His flush has deepened into a dark pink that makes his cheeks look splotchy and red and Shane can’t stop himself from kissing along the blush. 

“You’re doing so well, Steven,” Shane says, breathless, the words puffed hot against Steven’s cheek. “You’re so beautiful,” he continues, stroking one of his hands down along Steven’s jaw, his neck, and down between them to tangle his fingers around the increasingly wet slide of their cocks, his hand fitting around the two of them alongside Steven’s. “I can’t believe I get to watch you fall apart like this.” 

Steven makes a soft, destroyed sound at the back of his throat and blindly seeks out Shane’s mouth again, crashing into him hard and desperate. He moans into Shane’s mouth, his hips hitching up in rough, quick thrusts. “Shane,” he breathes, leaking wet between them. 

Steven’s cock twitches up against Shane’s palm. “Please look at me,” Shane says, shaking out a moan when Steven slowly blinks his blown eyes open and gasps, arching up and groaning out Shane’s name again and again as he spills wet and hot over the curl of their twined fingers. 

“Oh--oh _God, Steven_ ,” Shane says, his voice cracked wide open and into another sob of Steven’s name. He comes, gasping, lips pressed against the corner of Steven’s mouth. 

He hovers over Steven for a moment, kissing him gently before rolling off to the side with a long, shaky exhale. Shane takes a moment to catch his breath before he slides off the bed, “I’ll be right back,” he says, keeping his voice low and touching his fingertips to Steven’s knee.

Steven catches his wrist and looks up at him from underneath his lashes. “Stay here with me?” he asks, and Shane’s smile goes soft and fond. 

Shane picks up his shirt from where it landed on the floor and crawls back up beside Steven, “Yeah, of course, Steven,” he says,gently stroking the fabric over Steven’s stomach to mop up the pool of their cooling mess. 

He ends up curled around Steven, tucked in tightly with one of his long legs wrapped high on Steven’s thigh and his face buried against the curve of Steven’s throat. “You doing okay?” he whispers, his mouth pressed to Steven’s skin. 

“This has been a lot,” Steven says quietly, he turns in Shane’s arms to cuddle in closer; his lips touch down against the shell of Shane’s ear, “But Shane, I’m glad you’re here.” 

“And not going anywhere,” Shane replies, squeezing Steven even tighter up against his chest and breathing in the soft, familiar smell of him; he fights back a yawn before kissing Steven’s neck. “Except maybe to sleep, if that’s okay.” 

Steven huffs a quiet laugh and agrees.

**Author's Note:**

> Have a prompt? Want to shout about three (3) amazing boys with me?  
> Find me here: [ex0rin](http://ex0rin.tumblr.com)


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